Suitor Defense: Aeralind's Style

As we all know, pink has no real concept of suitor defense. There idea is to throw the poor girl out into the world with only the most basic instructions. Knowing this, Aeralind has taken matters into her own hands.

Swimming Atire

With the warmer weather we yet again are faced with the issue of what to let the girls swim in. This is getting increasingly more and more difficult as women bathing suits are getting smaller and smaller.

Before we could make our decision I had to do some research on what would be suitable for the girls to wear. My first choice was something from the 1920's but I was quick to realize that they were not modest at all. Look at all that leg showing... and those shoulders. Utterly scandalous.

Going back a couple decades though I found something that could be suitable. It is completely modest and there is almost nothing that would cause a boy to pursue them.

Of course, their could be some boys that are drawn to women in bulky clothing, then I would bring out this to ensure their complete modesty while they were swimming.

A bathing machine. A way for the girls to swim in the water in complete modesty and I won't have to worry about mischievous boys who are up to no good.



All pictures from: http://www.victoriana.com/library/Beach/FashionableBathingSuits.htm. 

Aeralind and the Black Widow

It is the greatest fear of any parent that their child will meet a black widow. But what do you say when your daughter becomes one? The girls both love the Noodlebug series of videos, to the point of requesting the music dvd being played for their wake-up music. We thought life was good until Melissa took the girls for a walk and Aeralind spotted a "Noodlebug" on the ground. Rather than saying a nice "hello" she jumped on the bug with all her righteous fury yelling: "Die Noodlebug, Die." This has me concerned about any males that may decide to get close to her.... Or maybe it will be a good thing as far as suitor defense goes. For those interested, you can find the movies below:

Public Enemy #1

It seems that my suitor defense has already discovered who will be Public Enemy #1. One of my wife's good friends has a son who is a year older than the girls. He has always flirted and been nice to Aeralind but he has started to treat them both as ladies. What is unacceptable though is that the girls have taken to walking around the house stating the following:

*Brady* *Becca's House* *Uh huh* All the while with a big smile/grin on their faces.

I thought I would have a few more years before the first crush, but alas it seems I was wrong. Guess I will need to dust off that suitor defense plan earlier than expected.

Pumpkins and Suitors

Derek, Derek pumpkin eater,
Had two girls and couldn't guard them.
So he stuffed them in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept them very well.

This should keep them safe from suitors.

I am a DADD

Someone linked this shirt to me. I think it sums up my thoughts perfectly.

You can buy it here.

On the use of Bears

As the father of young girls I must always be on the lookout for ways to improve or modify my suitor defense plan. While at a recent visit to the park my daughters found the perfect creature for a job opening in my suitor defense plan. They were laying innocently in the grass waiting for some unsuspecting person to walk by. But when my daughters approached them, the bears let them go for a ride on their backs.

I think that they will be a nice addition to my suitor defense plan. The girls can have a fun pet to play with while any boys will be met with a fierce predator.

I was even able to get a picture of all my women riding the bear.

Suitor Defense: Bronwyn's Style

On Memorial Day weekend we visited the zoo with the in-laws and the girls greatly enjoyed themselves. During a brief respite in the play area though Bronwyn decided to employ some suitor  defense against a boy who dared try and come into her play area.


Apparently her and her sister were on the lookout for any boys who may dare approach them.

Bronwyn with her hawk-like eyes quickly spotted a boy who was attempting to approach them and was quick to tell him "NO!!!!!" with the corresponding sign.

The poor boy then left and went to do something else. He did try several times though and was soundly rebuffed by Bronwyn. They did though allow his younger sister to join them.

Team Blue though is happy to report that once the girls left they did allow him the use of the climbing toy. Now to wonder if she will continue with this suitor defense when she is older. But I am ready to step in with my Aircraft Carrier should things get out of control.

Suitor Defense

We have recently come across some news that may require a modification to my suitor defense plan. This  little guy was a surprise and will be arriving in October.

As we will not be discerning the gender of the child until its birth I have felt it necessary to bolster the suitor defenses by a significant margin in case the child is a member of Team Pink.

I saw this little gem in the news and figured it would make a suitable addition. What can beat up an aircraft carrier? I wonder what kind of payment plan I could get for it.

Suitor Defense: Auctions

I am sad to inform you that yesterday while I was cooking dinner I had the first interloper bypass the suitor defense fortifications surrounding the house. He somehow traversed the moat, tamed the Wolverines, and scaled the portcullis and snuck into the twins room. Thankfully my wife caught him in the act before there was any lasting harm done.

Little did he know that there is one final step in this suitor defense. As he is a Single, young man I will now auction him with an opening bid of one wife. The only requirement is that she is a Christian women that likes motorcycles. Please send all bids through a comment on this blog.

A New, unwanted Enemy: Odus Media

It seems that we have a new enemy in our midst. Three times in the past two months he has snuck into their beds and cause them to stir in restlessness waking up their parents. Not content with simple restlessness they then moan and cry causing us to have to go rescue them from this foul menace. We rapidly sent out a plea for help and our cry was answered by bounty hunters under the guise of eligible young ladies. It took some work, but each time this menace invaded the quiet of our homes we summoned the bounty hunters who quickly banished him back to the wild world where he belongs.

Due to Bounty Hunter Costs we cannot offer a larger reward.

Future Profession: Swamp Thing

I can only say that as a swamp thing it should scare off most suitors. The question is though, does it pay well enough? Or will she rob unwary travelers with her stealth attacks of sheer and utter cuteness?

Weddings..... OR NOT!!!!!

This weekend is the tax free weekend here in South Carolina. When I asked my wife what we should do, she suggested that the girls could buy some wedding dresses. Unsure of who they thought they would marry, I had to lock them up.

A Different Approach to Suitor Defense?

Since my wolverines have been dozing on the job and far too many boys are making eyes at my girls... I thought I would try a different approach. I present to you, The Marriage Contract:

I the undersigned boy do henceforth agree to marry the daughter of Derek and Melissa Aldrich within three (3) days of my 19th birthday. I also agree to the following stipulations:

1. The Boy shall have no interactions with ANY women other than siblings/cousins before their wedding date.
2. The Boy shall be trained in how to treat a lady by his mother or an acceptable tutor.
3. The Boy shall always treat his future bride as a gentlemen would treat a lady and will abstain from being alone with her. 
4. The Boy shall purchase for the girl a nice, respectable gift for a lady and also purchase a similar gift of equal or greater value for her mother. If the gift is considered unacceptable then the Boy shall purchase a new gift for both parties that is suitable to their tastes.
5.  The Boy shall only see the girl on her Birthday and other Major Holidays. The exception being if they attend the same church and then they can interact ONLY with chaperon's around.
6. The Boy shall attend church that is acceptable to the Bride's parents EVERY Sunday unless sick or otherwise incapacitated (by my wolverines).
7. The Groom's parents shall pay a dowry of Money, Livestock, and Properties exceeding a value of $250,000. The amounts over and above are to be negotiated between both parties. 
8. The Groom's parents will pay a annual fee for the privilege of their son marrying one of the girls.
9. The Boy shall agree to play any "Girly" type games that she so desires without complaint or grumbling. Including but not limited to: Barbies, Tea Parties, Tutus, and English Country Dance.
10. All gifts and properties given are non-returnable if this contract becomes void.

This Contract shall be considered void if any of the following are committed:

1. The Boy flirts with the wrong twin, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
2. The Boy attempts to flirt with or pickup other women.
3. The Boy attempts to hold her hand or other physical contact before placing a diamond ring on her finger that exceeds a value of $10,000.
4. The Boy grumbles about going to tea parties or other girly events with his prospective bride.
5. The Boy misses a scheduled Birthday or other Holliday meeting. 
6. On the boys 16th birthday the girl shall decide if the Boy is handsome enough. If the boy is found unsuitable, then the contract is void.  

The undersigned parties do agree to abide to and uphold ALL conditions of this contract. If the Boy's parents wish to remove themselves from this contract then all monies and gifts shall remain the property of the Girl and her family.  The contents of this contract are non-negotiable.

Death by Strangulation

It seems Bronwyn did not want to be left out on getting to murder someone so she tried to strangle me. I can hope though that she is practicing her new moves to fend off suitors.

Suitor Defense: Aeralind's Way

Aeralind decided to take the whole suitor defense into her own hands. Apparently a boy was rude to her, so she ate him. If that won't deter potential suitors, then I do not know what will.

A Year of Fighting Pink in Review

On this day last year, I discovered that pink was planning an invasion of my humble abode.  Therefore, I thought I would review the skirmishes that I (Valiant Defender of All Things Blue) have had with them (The Frilly Pink Wimps).

 

Early on I had foiled my wife's feeble attempt to pinkify this very blue blog. Unfortunately, while I managed to keep my blog pure and unadulterated, what started as a nice green nursery that was neutral to both sides was often and viciously pinkified.

 

However, in response, I managed to wrest the vile hold that pink has attempted to gain upon my daughters' wardrobe. I repelled the pinkness by choosing outfits that, while still feminine in style, were not pink so as to prove to womenkind that girls can look nice without choosing the Dark Side (aka team pink).  See how nice this looks?

 

 

Seriously, at least act like you enjoy the outfits.

 

At the start of the year pink unveiled a heinous and hideous plot. They attempted to remove the other team blue member from the house through devious and underhanded measures.  My faithful and bravehearted compatriot, Moonbeam (Team Pink named him... that's why he is my best ally... mwhaha) disappeared for almost a month.  But as the song goes, the cat came back to further aid in foiling Team Pink.

 

Early on I discovered that I would face a second monumental task. I must defend these poor, helpless girls from boys. Thusly I quickly devised a scheme to help filter out any suitors who are unsuitable for these lovely ladies. I hope to start to implement the plan soon, so long as the HOA does not mind. Unfortunately, some boys (ahem Hunter and Frazor) are not so easily deterred.

During the coming year I hope to continue avoiding those crazy people who adhere to the psychotic notion that anything feminine must be slathered in pink. I also plan to continue sumplementing their wardrobes with not only blue outfits but also feminine but not pink outfits. I am considering petitioning our state representatives to remove pink as a color.  Also, I am hoping to procure the following to aid in my suitor defense.

A Suitor Defense

They say that the way to a mans stomach is through his belly. I think if I feed them these delightful treats they may think differently of my daughters cooking skills and therefore their suitability as spouses.

A Necessary Defense

My wife has been spending some time with other moms of multiples who have twins under 1, which I always thought was a great idea. That is, until I discovered that most of them are boys and they have taken to flirting with them and my girls are flirting back. I definitely did not think I would have to start work on the Suitor Defense Plan this early. Now to decide what to put in first, as they are small I think the Moat would be a good first choice. :)



I think that should keep them at bay, at least for now.

What every child needs...

There should be a rule that all children recieve a rubber duck when they are born, as it is essential to their development. Rather than be content with the small one we have, that supposedly lets us know if the water is to hot or cold. She found a ginormous one that is over taking our bathtub. Thankfully it is not pink but the standard yellow and orange. If that was not enough, you can squeeze his bill and he quacks like a duck. The mighty roar of the duck shall certainly strike fear in any suitors, unless they are a duck hunter.