Suitor Defense: Auctions

I am sad to inform you that yesterday while I was cooking dinner I had the first interloper bypass the suitor defense fortifications surrounding the house. He somehow traversed the moat, tamed the Wolverines, and scaled the portcullis and snuck into the twins room. Thankfully my wife caught him in the act before there was any lasting harm done.

Little did he know that there is one final step in this suitor defense. As he is a Single, young man I will now auction him with an opening bid of one wife. The only requirement is that she is a Christian women that likes motorcycles. Please send all bids through a comment on this blog.

Mud Princess

I present to you our newest creation..... The Mud Princess. She is determined to do her best for Team Blue while defeating Team Pink through sheer cuteness. If I must raise Princesses then I shall encourage them to play in the mud and do other Team Blue activities.

A New, unwanted Enemy: Odus Media

It seems that we have a new enemy in our midst. Three times in the past two months he has snuck into their beds and cause them to stir in restlessness waking up their parents. Not content with simple restlessness they then moan and cry causing us to have to go rescue them from this foul menace. We rapidly sent out a plea for help and our cry was answered by bounty hunters under the guise of eligible young ladies. It took some work, but each time this menace invaded the quiet of our homes we summoned the bounty hunters who quickly banished him back to the wild world where he belongs.

Due to Bounty Hunter Costs we cannot offer a larger reward.

A View from the Doghouse

It seems that during this Banishment the household is going to the Dark Side. My wife has come out to frequently show off her Pink (shiver of disgust) pants with her pink shoes.

The above is all I can see when she walks past which makes me shiver in fright of just what the house looks like now. In what I thought was a sign of hope I heard the lawnmower running.... Sadly the lawnmower is now pink as well. I need help in leaving this doghouse so I can reclaim my home for Team Blue. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

A Government Conspiracy

I always knew that the Government was out to get us and I have caught wind of one of their most devious plans. The County Tax Envelopes are PINK. How ghastly is that, the people in our government apparently want to pinkify the world and make it uglier. We must rise up and convince them that blue is a much better color.

Team Pink Invades

It seems that while I am banished to the doghouse Team Pink has authorized an invasion of women into the house. They are focused primarily on our bedroom, undoubtedly trying to reinforce my wife's stance on Team Pink.

Future Profession: Maid or Broomstick Rider

Bronwyn discovered our broom and has taken to play with it. I don't know if she is trying to clean the floor or go flying on it.

Why do we buy Toys?

Could someone please explain why we buy toys for our children? I am at a loss here.

Yes, they emptied out their toy bins so they could play in the boxes.

Banishment by Team Pink

After my recent blog post about women in the kitchen it seems that Team Pink retaliated in an unexpected manner. I have now been banished to the Dog House, which is odd as we do not have a dog house but my wife was not deterred in the least.

Termite Problems

Apparently the prior owners of our house had a small termite problem that they took care of and placed a bond on our house. The bond requires a yearly inspection that we are happily continuing. This inspection too place on Monday and I proceeded to inform him that we had a rather large Termite problem in one of the bedrooms.

After asking him about this I showed him said termites to which he simply replied how cute they were and that we should keep them.

Sigh, I just hope they don't start eating the house as well.

Women and the Kitchen

Occasionally we allow the girls into the kitchen, usually near the time that they themselves will be eating. I walked into the kitchen and came upon this scene and was left with several possibilities.
1. They were being taught the intricacies of baking.
2. They were where women belonged, in the kitchen.
3. The more sinister motive of roasting the other Team Blue member.

What do you folks think? Whatever it was, it was quite tasty.

Future Profession: Swamp Thing

I can only say that as a swamp thing it should scare off most suitors. The question is though, does it pay well enough? Or will she rob unwary travelers with her stealth attacks of sheer and utter cuteness?

Crazy Speak: Oh Dear......

Honey, I love Pumpkins. Pumpkin Plates, Pumpkin Pie, etc......
I know Dear, I wonder what you would do if the twins were turned into Pumpkins.
I would love them, kiss them, hold them..... And when I was tired of them put them in Pumpkin Pie.

An Unexpected Defendor

Earlier this week as I was leaving for work I caught sight of a spider web in the door frame. Not seeing a resident spider I removed the web so that we can use the door without getting caught in the web. Apparently though he was on a secret mission for Team Blue to defend against a sneak attack that Team Pink had been planning. This morning he had rebuilt his web and laying in the center was able to foil the attack.

Unfortunately the Household spokewomen for Team Pink decreed that he could not stay as a defender but must go. So we on Team Blue mourn the passing of this secret agent.

Future Profession: Wine Tester

This wine is an elegant selection from House Aldrich and is Vintage 2010. It has a slight grainy texture with a hint of cinnamon. We particularly liked the after taste of pumpkin and squash.

A Pinkish Compromise

Sometimes in life we must compromise even if we do not want to.There are some things in the lives of pink women that we as Team Blue simply cannot prevail against. One of these being the dreaded tutu which is typically portrayed as something that is frilly and pink. For their first birthday the twins received their first tutu but in the spirit of compromise it was blue. Maybe I can accept this.

Anyways, who can resist such a cute, adorable face.

We all Survived One Year

One year ago we welcomed these cute little bundles into the world.

Now, I have to defend against these pink little terrors.

Happy 1st Birthday girls. Your daddy loves you.

Crazy Speak

Honey, go ahead and pull a cow out of my armpit.

Future Profession: Treasure Hunter

It seems they enjoy finding something that is hidden. Hopefully they find treasure and share it with their hard working parents.

Playdates

This shall be a comparison of how the Pinkers and Team Blue handle a play date. If the Pinkers arrange a play date they essentially want to either sit around and chat while children ramble about or go walk somewhere. Altogether a boring and Non-Adventurous endeavor. In contrast when Team Blue folk get together it usually involves Carnage to some degree or another.

Future Profession: Rock Climbers

Last weekend my wife left a Carabiner out and both of the girls quite enjoyed playing with it.

Then we took them to the park and they both took a try at the climbing wall. They both did fairly well, for only being 11 months old.

All in a morning we said.......

Bronwyn has an airplane in her mouth.
Bronners, Come on duck face Bronners.
I think she has 16 in there and is making her duck face hogging them from her sister.
There new favorite teething toy is my high heels.
I thought you were going to come protect me, not leave me to be attacked by plastic worms.

Chocolate cake for Breakfast.

Growing up we always had  your typical foods for breakfast. With the twins birthday nearing my wife thought to trial them on cake as nothing can ruin a party like a visit from anaphylaxis. So, rather than give them the cake during the day my dear wife chose to give it to them for breakfast. Yet if I ask to have pie or something for a meal I get sternly rejected. Something is wrong here. :(

When I shared this with my family my brother pointed out this sketch by Bill Cosby who extols the virtues of eating Chocolate Cake for Breakfast. Does it not have Wheat, Eggs, and Milk in it?  All things that are essential things we should eat.

A Quasi Pink book

Recently my wife found the book "Paper Bag Princess." At first glance one would think that this is a typical Pink fluffy story where the princess foolishly lets herself be captured by a dragon only to be rescued by the prince. Seriously, with the number of Princess' who are captured, one would think that they are never warned about dragons. But once you open the book you will find yourself pleasantly surprised. It is not a pink fluff book but in actuality it ends on a high note for those Men who suffer from an influx of pink in their home and are in need of a suitor defense.

Seriously, go get the book.  Your wifey princess won't even know this 'fairytale' will be a solid victory for blue.

Extreme Baby Feeding: A Chest's Worth

My wife apparently has a very valuable chest. Our babies have battled with a dairy sensitivity.  This has caused an increase in grocery bills since she had to eat food that wouldn't normally come in the house (seriously, a half gallon of almond milk costs $3.28 where we live!).  Now assuming we had formula fed the girls we would have had to go for a hypoallergenic formula like Similac Alimentum at 129.99 for a case of six cans.

• Those 6 cans would have lasted us about a week if we were lucky. So, we would have spent $649.95 per month on formula 
• One year worth of formula would have cost us $7794.40.

I am not going to complain about this seeing as the formula costs per month are MORE than our excess per month. So if my wife is going to save money this way then I shan't complain.

Future Profession: Mozart

Apparently Aeralind is an aspiring Pianist and wishes to become more well known than Mozart.

Dragons and Teeth

Derek, you make Dragons.
Honey, you made them to.
No, I only gestated them.

Daddy, I think Aeralind is getting a tooth. She is chewing on the bed frame.

Future Profession: Gravity Tester

Bronwyn is certainly the inquisitive type. She is currently testing whether or not gravity will always work. Or maybe she is judging the velocity of objects relative to their weight when dropped from a certain height.

Weird questions or statements.

Daddy, there is a standing, banging platypus behind you.
Honey, there is a jackrabbit upstairs, or is it the invisible squirrel?
Honey, what would you do if their was a mammoth in the backyard?

I do seriously love my wife and it is these random questions that are one of the many things I love about her.

A New Prohibition: No More Yellow and Black striped Insects

Yesterday we were enjoying a pleasant day in the park. Upon seeing a bench we thought we would sit for a while as the twins were starting to get hungry. Unfortunately shortly after we sat down we were suddenly and viciously assaulted by none other than a swarm of Yellow Jackets. We did nothing to provoke them, they just attacked us. We quickly fled the area but unfortunately they managed to land several hits on us. Somehow Bronwyn managed to use Hide In Plain Sight and avoided ALL attacks on her. Dear Aeralind got hit 3 times but she was a trooper and did not show her fear or pain. I partly wonder if this was a plot by team pink to attack us and if it was, it is very bad form on their part.

Pink Attacks...

After seeing that attacking my car was useless, the wind and rain removed it rather quickly, pink decided to do something far more insidious. They dolled the girls up in pink and then did a cuteness attack on me, while I was laying down. I tried to fend them off but apparently they have a super high crit chance with a cuteness stun. Sadly, I was defeated for a moment but I was able to rise again. Take that pink.

A girl and her Screwdriver

Daddy, I haven't had snuggle with you time with you yet. I will bring my own screwdriver. (Said while sitting under my desk chair while holding said screwdriver.)

Weddings..... OR NOT!!!!!

This weekend is the tax free weekend here in South Carolina. When I asked my wife what we should do, she suggested that the girls could buy some wedding dresses. Unsure of who they thought they would marry, I had to lock them up.

Unapproved Suitor

My daughters having a unapproved date with two boys. Sigh, what must I do to get them to go through proper channels to have a date with my daughters. It is especially hard when others conspire against me to ruin any suitor defense plan I may try to come up with.

Chores: To do or not to do.

Melissa and I devised a way to inspire us doing work around the house, a small reimbursement. After dutifully compiling our lists on a sheet of paper we had the misfortune of leaving them in reach of the twins. The girls decided that apparently I do not need to do any chores, or maybe they were offering to do them for me. Mine is the shredded note, Melissa's is the still intact one.

Pink Attacks...

After many humiliating defeats pink finally attempted a counterattack, albeit a very weak one. Since they couldn't win outside the house the conspired with the wind, rain, and a tree to coat my car in pink. Driving once though cleaned out the foul infestation and my car is once again clean.

A Different Approach to Suitor Defense?

Since my wolverines have been dozing on the job and far too many boys are making eyes at my girls... I thought I would try a different approach. I present to you, The Marriage Contract:

I the undersigned boy do henceforth agree to marry the daughter of Derek and Melissa Aldrich within three (3) days of my 19th birthday. I also agree to the following stipulations:

1. The Boy shall have no interactions with ANY women other than siblings/cousins before their wedding date.
2. The Boy shall be trained in how to treat a lady by his mother or an acceptable tutor.
3. The Boy shall always treat his future bride as a gentlemen would treat a lady and will abstain from being alone with her. 
4. The Boy shall purchase for the girl a nice, respectable gift for a lady and also purchase a similar gift of equal or greater value for her mother. If the gift is considered unacceptable then the Boy shall purchase a new gift for both parties that is suitable to their tastes.
5.  The Boy shall only see the girl on her Birthday and other Major Holidays. The exception being if they attend the same church and then they can interact ONLY with chaperon's around.
6. The Boy shall attend church that is acceptable to the Bride's parents EVERY Sunday unless sick or otherwise incapacitated (by my wolverines).
7. The Groom's parents shall pay a dowry of Money, Livestock, and Properties exceeding a value of $250,000. The amounts over and above are to be negotiated between both parties. 
8. The Groom's parents will pay a annual fee for the privilege of their son marrying one of the girls.
9. The Boy shall agree to play any "Girly" type games that she so desires without complaint or grumbling. Including but not limited to: Barbies, Tea Parties, Tutus, and English Country Dance.
10. All gifts and properties given are non-returnable if this contract becomes void.

This Contract shall be considered void if any of the following are committed:

1. The Boy flirts with the wrong twin, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
2. The Boy attempts to flirt with or pickup other women.
3. The Boy attempts to hold her hand or other physical contact before placing a diamond ring on her finger that exceeds a value of $10,000.
4. The Boy grumbles about going to tea parties or other girly events with his prospective bride.
5. The Boy misses a scheduled Birthday or other Holliday meeting. 
6. On the boys 16th birthday the girl shall decide if the Boy is handsome enough. If the boy is found unsuitable, then the contract is void.  

The undersigned parties do agree to abide to and uphold ALL conditions of this contract. If the Boy's parents wish to remove themselves from this contract then all monies and gifts shall remain the property of the Girl and her family.  The contents of this contract are non-negotiable.

Yes, we have Dragons

Dragonet's need to eat zucchini. I makes you grow strong and fiery.

Team Blue Fights Back

Not content with my dear daughter's betrayal of Team Blue they did a swift counterattack shortly after by sucking her into the crack and munching on her until she conceded in surrender.

A Daughter's Betrayel

My dearest Bronwyn, you said you would stand for team blue and get away from those foul team pink folks.  But yesterday, I saw your true colors when you snatched the pink bird and crawled away with it in your mouth. Why could you not go for something blue? There were plenty of choices for you.

Future Profession: Orthodontist

Bronwyn has decided that she would like to pull teeth for a living. Sounds like a good profession to me.

Death by Strangulation

It seems Bronwyn did not want to be left out on getting to murder someone so she tried to strangle me. I can hope though that she is practicing her new moves to fend off suitors.

Suitor Defense: Aeralind's Way

Aeralind decided to take the whole suitor defense into her own hands. Apparently a boy was rude to her, so she ate him. If that won't deter potential suitors, then I do not know what will.

Future Profession: Cable Tester

It seems that Aeralind wishes to take up the valued profession of being a cable tester to ensure that cables are safe to be eaten.

Things to do

I don't want to do anything this evening that involves having a brain or does not have a hint button.

I can't shoot you, your heads in the way.

Food for thought

No Bronwyn, your sisters head is NOT cotton candy for you to eat.

Future Profession: IT Worker

Over the course of 25 minutes I caught both of the girls wiggling over to my book on networking to get a head start in their studies for a future job. After the fifth time I snapped a photo as documentary evidence of their chosen future profession.

A new meaning to 'hollow legs'

Derek:Why are you wearing pants to bed?


Melissa: My legs are ice cubicles, that is why. It's a 71 degree igloo in this house.

Derek: But... But..... But... I want snuggles.

Melissa: Fine, grow hollow legs and then I can hide my legs in yours and you can have snuggles and still have warm legs!

Thievery and Mischief

Bronwyn the burglar is practicing the finer points of thievery from her sister. Or maybe she was fed up with pink and wanted something blue.

Sharing

The girls finally found something they can share. Or maybe they are resorting to baser instincts and trying to send a message that they wish to eat more cow.

A new Fashion Trend?

The girls modeling the latest in fashion.

Future Profession: Soccer Stars

I thought I would start the girls early in their soccer training.

A Year of Fighting Pink in Review

On this day last year, I discovered that pink was planning an invasion of my humble abode.  Therefore, I thought I would review the skirmishes that I (Valiant Defender of All Things Blue) have had with them (The Frilly Pink Wimps).

 

Early on I had foiled my wife's feeble attempt to pinkify this very blue blog. Unfortunately, while I managed to keep my blog pure and unadulterated, what started as a nice green nursery that was neutral to both sides was often and viciously pinkified.

 

However, in response, I managed to wrest the vile hold that pink has attempted to gain upon my daughters' wardrobe. I repelled the pinkness by choosing outfits that, while still feminine in style, were not pink so as to prove to womenkind that girls can look nice without choosing the Dark Side (aka team pink).  See how nice this looks?

 

 

Seriously, at least act like you enjoy the outfits.

 

At the start of the year pink unveiled a heinous and hideous plot. They attempted to remove the other team blue member from the house through devious and underhanded measures.  My faithful and bravehearted compatriot, Moonbeam (Team Pink named him... that's why he is my best ally... mwhaha) disappeared for almost a month.  But as the song goes, the cat came back to further aid in foiling Team Pink.

 

Early on I discovered that I would face a second monumental task. I must defend these poor, helpless girls from boys. Thusly I quickly devised a scheme to help filter out any suitors who are unsuitable for these lovely ladies. I hope to start to implement the plan soon, so long as the HOA does not mind. Unfortunately, some boys (ahem Hunter and Frazor) are not so easily deterred.

During the coming year I hope to continue avoiding those crazy people who adhere to the psychotic notion that anything feminine must be slathered in pink. I also plan to continue sumplementing their wardrobes with not only blue outfits but also feminine but not pink outfits. I am considering petitioning our state representatives to remove pink as a color.  Also, I am hoping to procure the following to aid in my suitor defense.

Life on the Dangerous (Blue) Side

Wearing blue and being a risk taker.

I couldn't be more proud  :)

For concerned parents the scissors were taken away from her immediately after the photo was taken and nothing dangerous happened.

Strange Eating Habits

Apparently I do not have a vegan daughter, she likes leather.

Future Profession: Mechanics

I thought I would get a head start in teaching the girls just how you take something apart and put it back together again. They were especially interested as this was there stroller.

One of the girls thought it would be fun to gnaw on the wrench as well.

An invasion

My house is being over run by Pterodactyl's. HELP!!! HELP!!!!

A almost complete victory for Team Blue

This should have been a startling upset by Team Blue and a complete victory for team pink. Somehow though they conspired against me through the poor, innocent girl by making her hold a pink tag.

Aren't they extinct?

Don't worry little Pterodactyl I will make you a pair of tights too.

Future Profession: ????

Our New Grass Service

With the rising costs of gas and the expense of the girls we had to take drastic measures in getting our lawn cut this year.

Err.... right.

Not that outfit Derek, why don't you come nurse the twins while I get the right ouftits.

The bathtub is ok so long as a hammerhead shark is present.

A Bath Toy Preference

Bronwyn decisively declaring her allegiance while thumping in the bathtub. Why chew on a pink sting ray when there is a wondrous blue hammerhead shark I can nibble on instead?

A Game

Let's play a game. What was this scene?
I have the twins marinating.

Tired of Pink

Aeralind was tired of constantly wearing pink and decided to enlist the aid of her sister in informing mom that pink is out and non-pink is in.

Their "I didn't do it face" after the incident. How could you punish such sweet looking faces?